Gentlemen?

I was just thinking and I realized that I've never had a truely meaningful relationship with any member of the opposite sex. I have more issues with my dad than I care to get into at the moment, I have no male siblings and though I have quite a few guys friends (most of whom happen to be gay) I don't really consider any of them as my best friend, like I consider Alice and Shivon to be my best friends.

As for a boyfriend, well, I've never had one. Yep, I'm 19 years old and have never had a serious relationship with a guy. I like the only virgin I know. Why have I never had a boyfriend? Who knows? I was ugly and had no self esteem when I was younger so I'd basically do almost anything a gys asked, although he gave nothing in return. I had a guy ask to be my boyfriend when I was 16, but that relationship consisted of a series of phone conversations and ended with him dumping me for, what I assume was, another girl whom he started dating a week later. I let him ask me out a few months later, but after a few days passed he pretended like it never happened.

I was hung up on that prick for a while. Maybe I still am. It's not like he was a catch. He was like 100 pounds over-weight and was sort of unintelligent. But honestly, how's a girl supposed to feel if through out all of high school, that was the best she could do? A stupid, fat, dick head who was emotionally abusive. I try to think about the positives. I'm somewhat intelligent (I got into Northwestern), I'm kind of talented, I'm driven, I know what I want to do with my life, I'm nice, I have pretty nice hair...you get the idea.

So why do I get left behind? For years I've watched friends spit in the face of love by whining and starting ridiculous fights with their boyfriends, getting mad at them for spending an evening out with their friends for no fucking reason. I've seen girls use genuinely nice guys like kleenex, going from one to the next. I could never do that shit. I'd be like the most chill girlfriend ever. Who gives a fuck if you want to hang out with your friends? Who cares if you hang up first on the fucking phone call. Gosh, it's infuriating.

But seriously, what am I supposed to do? I go around telling people that I don't believe in love while at the same time praying they'll be someone to rescue me from my cynicism and prove me wrong.

So there it is.
Why do I have to be so brutally fucking honest all the time? I value the truth more than anything. If you lie to me, you lose just about all my respect. I really don't keep that much to myself. It's pretty hard for me to hide emotions. Maybe that's what drives guys away. Because I'm sure that every guy is just dying to get to know the unconfident, fag had, virgin, lame ass opera singer.

Fabulous

A little worried

I'm a little worried about soe of my high school friends back home. I'm not one to judge. Everyone is entitled to do whatever they want, no mater how self-destructive it may be. But a couple of my close girlfriends still in high school are taking those first few steps down paths that may not lead to happiness or success, which is what I want for them more than anything.
My one friend, who has always been very intelligent, some-what free-spirited, and a social butterfly doesn't seem to be making the best choices lately. She smokes pot constantly, and never goes to school. Look, I realize this time of year sucks. It's senior year, everyone is and has changed from when you first met them. Teachers are giving you meaningless busy work and you really begin to outgrow all of the bull shit rues and regulations around you. Senior year sucks. I get it. I know you're gonna have to take your exams anyway (since you have well over 10 absenses for the quarter) but you do realize that if you miss too much school, you kind of won't graduate? This girl is so smart. Could probablly get into any college she wants, but I'm afraid that with the drinking and smoking out nearly every night, she's going to become a total burn out; someone who can't function normally in society. I don't want to see her in a year or two and be devastated when I remember how driven and vivacious she used to be. I of course can't come to her with this. She's a hell of an arguer and more importantly, it's her life. I can't tell her what to do.
My other girlfriend is dealing with other issues. I'm worried about her emotions and self esteem and just her overall feeling of self worth. She's been hooking up with (not dating because she said she didn't want a relationship) this 16-year-old boy (she's 18) who she just found out hooked up with another girl. Despite their "open-relationship", this of course crushed her, or it least she said it did 3 days ago. I call her today, however and she's back with him and tells me that they're just using eachother for music and sex. I don't know why she's so insistant on having a dead and emotionless relationship. It kind of scares me.
On top of that, after to applying to and auditioning at numerous prestigious music schools and universities, just like I did a year ago, she finds out that she's been rejected by her top choices. I'm pissed because her mom, the crazy batch that she is, insisted on making her apply to all of these nearly ivy-league schools with literally no safety schools. So, my friend, being an incredible musician but an average student, was rejected from several of the schools she worked her ass off auditioning for. Her mom just has to find a way to bring her down and make her feel small and that fucking kills me. I want her to know that she's worth so much more than a stupid horny 16 year-old boy and 2 college acceptances.
These girls are so close to me and I'd hate to have them lose themselves.

I don't know what to do.

Fuck You

I'll keep this short, since it's almost 6 am and I should sleep soon. One of my supposed really good friends from back home is basically ignoring me. Initially I was upset. Whenenver I feel like I'm losing a friend or being ignored by one, I go into panic mode. Well you know what, not anymore. Fuck her if she's gonna treat me like shit and completely disregard the fact that I was her friend when almost no one else was. I did shit for her. I cleaned her fucking apartment for her. I'm tired of feeling all anxious and scared whenever this happens and I develop a fear that I did something wrong. I don't know what your deal is, but I'm sick of this favoritism bull shit that you pull on me. Oh yeah, I'll let you hang out with me and run errands with me and spy on my boyfriend for me, but once other people enter the picture, you're just another person.
I had a really great night tonight. I had a nice dinner and got pretty trashed with some really nice people. I guess from the last post, you can see that I'm sort of trying to change myself. Well, not exactly change who I am, but more accept who I am and not appologize for it and embrace it and have fun. The main thing is: I'm no longer going to let anyone make me feel any way I don't want to feel.
I'm really liking this so far.

Nigh-nigh batches!